Becoming 50

I turned 50 TODAY :)

And the last few days leading up to today have been a f**king rollercoaster of emotions, learning and self-acceptance. All on fast forward with a dollop of self-pity and plenty of tears.

I’m bloody glad I’m here now — wherever ‘here’ is.

But if the start of the day is anything to go by — I’m bloody enjoying it and all the words of love from people far and wide in my life. The best gifts are given with thought and presence and consideration. And there have already been plenty of these.

A video message collected by my beautiful life partner, and compiled by my amazing oldest son, of friends and family from all over the world. Memories of times spent together, spoken words of love, and faces and smiles and glinting eyes. It truly is a special gift.

Add 3x custom designed and printed tshirts from the boys, a special biltong recipe from a South African friend, and bronze statue of a solo wild dog along with an accompanying story that made me cry from my incredible sister — and you can see what I mean.

The thing is, as I said at the start, that getting here to this moment of open-ness and clearing to be truly appreciate all this has been a 4 day roller coaster. As the ‘deadline’ of 50 loomed — the reflection on my life, the replays of past failures and feelings of current not-good-enoughs all started to fizz and pop. They overwhelmed me and left me in a slump of negativity and self-pity. A sh*tty mess for sure.

But I called my bluff, and asked others for help. I watched some soul food stories online, I spoke to some friends, I wrote to myself and I started to reconnect with myself.

It truly has been the best gift I could have given myself, and one I’m grateful for.

So ‘here’ I am.

Perfect/ imperfect in every way.
With a flickering of self
An acceptance of now
And open to possibility